amidst the storm

its been a while ang dami dami nang nangyari sakin haha. ang daming beses kong gustong magsulat pero wala lang talaga akong motivation to do so hehe. well life is hell. life brought me so much crappy things. i dont even know where to begin haha. hindi naman obvious na struggle ang lola mo ano?

i dont know what to think about ericson anymore. before i was so sure of who he is pero ngayon i dont know. i guess ang taas lang talaga ng tingin ko sa kaniya and maxado lang xang binuild- up ng family ko at ng mga kaibigan ko.i never thought na of all people xa pa ang mangiiwan sakin. i know erick will, pero ericson? haha. fallen from grace. i knew it was too good to be true. i know i should understand him. after all he's been through hell while he was with me. i just can't help but doubt lahat ng nangyari. all was a lie. it felt so real. it felt so damn real that i even got myself to believe it and umasang uu mahal nga talaga ako ng gagong toh. hindi ko maintindihan why he's doing this.its either he's lying to me again or hindi ko lang matanggap ung naging desisyon nia. i dont know if im hurting because of my pride or dahil somehow mahal ko na rin ung lokong un. marami akong tanong. lahat malabo. pero one thing is for sure, the pain is real. its the first time na nagalit ako sa kaniya ng todo to the point na kamuhian ko xa. hindi dapat ganito ang epekto nia sakin diba? sino ba xa? wala. i've never seen him so mean, so distant, prang hindi ko xa kilala. stranger. was it all a front? lahat nung pinakita nia sakin. front lang ba lahat yun? is he that desperate to forget her para gawin nia lahat un sakin? ang gulo pagod na akong magisip im tired of trying to figure out what his motives are. even before he was never that open. sana hindi umabot sa ganito. mali ako na pinatagal ko dahil in the end ako lang ang nahirapan. i let myself fall in love with him. and now he's choosing her over me. i feel so stupid. this always always happen to me. a good guy comes along then i mess things up for us and i always end up alone.always. always happens to me. then after a while makikita ko silang masaya na after all the shit they've been through with me. lagi bang ganun nalang ang role ko? bestfriend, tulay para mahanap nila ung para sa knila, nagpapaiyak ng lalaki so that they'll find someone better. kelan naman ung time na dadating ung para sakin. someone who will really stick around. ind lang salita. someone who will fight for me. ung mamahalin ako enough to fight for me kahit ano pang harapin nia. ung ako naman ung "someone better". siguro naman i deserve a strong sensible guy. im not that bad. i know im not. its just unlucky for me kasi i fell for the wrong people. un ang mahirap sakin. i give it my all try my best not thinking about myself. kaya ang hirap makarecover kapag nalaman kong hindi pala pla sila. dumaan lang pala sila. with ericson, i felt secure kasi i knew he would always love me. and i thought he understood me. i thought kaya nianghinatyin hanggat kaya ko na rin xang mahalin the same way. i feel peaceful with him around. its just this past two weeks na naging mahirap na kase he was always bringing out the topic about me and erick. he was crashing before my eyes. all he could think about is iiwan ko xa. na hindi na ako masaya sa kaniya. ang hirap palang pakisamahan ang taong sobrang emo. i wanted to spend time with him, pero alam kong seryosong usapan lang nanaman yun. he will just drag me down and make me feel bad about myself. siguro subconsciously i saw him slipping away from me. i felt it. i just didn't pay much attention to it. naramdaman kong nawalan xa ng gana sakin. hindi na katulad dati na he wanted me desperately. even just to be with me. he couldn't even talk to me ng matagal. he was showing signs pero i turned a blind eye. he was crying for help akala ko he was strong enough. i guess naging kampante lang ako na he will always be there. i strongly believed na ako lang talaga mahal nia. never pumasok sa utak ko na ibang babae rin pala ang magiging dahilan ng pagbagsak namin. i told him that cnabi ko sa kaniya yun na maghihiwalay kami pero cguradong cgurado ako na hindi dahil magloloko xa or ipagpapalit nia ako. pero i was wrong, kinain ko lahat ng sinabi ko. i was so confident. i was so so sure na he really did love me ako lang. all this time. all this time kaagaw ko pa rin pla ung ex nia. and he never mentioned it. he was too damn fucking proud to admit it to me. na just like me torn din xa. he made me believe na ako lang. i hate him. i love him pero i hate him for doing this to me. the very thing na sinabi niang kinaiinisan niang gingawa sakin, xa din pala mismo ang gagawa. i really hate how i feel right now. every minute bumabalik lahat ng mga sinabi nia sakin. i really thought he was the one. finally the one na hinihintay ko. someone stronger than tristan, someone who will not give up. someone who will fight for me. kasi nakikita nia wats good for me. i never felt so hopeless like this before. prang all my chances of finding a good guy nawala na. feeling ko na ind na talaga ako makakahanap pa kung si ericson nga mismo kinayang i give up ako. im back to square one. im back to wishing and dreaming. sana naman lord the next one that comes along my way maging totoo na. u know ive been praying for this for so long. please dont turn a deaf ear. i dont wanna get hurt ulit. i cant even remember the last time i was happy. or the last time that someone hugged me, really hugged me. god life is hard, and love is hell.