i did it again...

sad to say pero i did it again. i let go of a potentially good relationship. i let go of a perfect gentleman who was willing to love me considering the wreck that i am. ginawa ko na yun dati kay tristan and now kay tropa naman. hindi pa tlga ako nadala. siguro talagang mahal ko si erick and ganun din xa sakin. nakakalungkot lang isipin na ang dami naming nasasagasaang mga tao. si angeline, si tristan. si tropa, at yung iba pa. i dont even know how to say sorry anymore. i dont know where to start. i feel like such a failure kasi i cant get myself to leave him. ilang good oppurtunities na rin ang pinakawalan ko para kay erick . i chose him over really really good people. i guess ganun talaga when you love someone. you are willing to stay even if worse comes to worst. even if you finally find a way out you always find yourself drawn back in. nahihiya lang talga ako kay tropa. i wish i had enough courage to do what i said. hahah i talk too fucking much without even thinking. this time im just gonna shut up. kung kami ni tropa, magiging kami rin eventually whether we like it or not. ayoko na i-manipulate ang fate. ill just let it take its course. maybe its not yet time for me and erick to end. maybe im still supposed to be here. it was good to know someone like tropa pero hindi ko xa itatali sakin. if he finds someone better and falls inlove with her well then good. if someday we meet again and he still wants to be with me and the time is right well then good din. im not saying this dahil madali ko xang mapapakawalan. im saying it kasi i know im being unfair sa kanya. im just trying to meet him halfway. ayoko mangyari samin yung nangyari samin ni tristan. na after a while there was nothing left but bitterness, hatred and ackward moments. if tropa cant be my lover then i dont want to lose him as a friend. at least as a friend. i have too many enemies in this world para dumagdag pa si tropa. ayoko ng kaaway. i understand that he is mad and that he just wants to forget i ever existed dahil mabigat kasalanan ko pero i really hope he was sincere nung cnabi nia na he is still there as a friend. i want to return the favor. kung hindi ko man nasabi sa knya na im still here as a friend too well then im taking this opportunity to tell him. IM STILL HERE AS A FRIEND IF U WANT ME. im gonna try to make it work with erick and just see how things go. magcoconcentrate muna ako sa relationship namin and try to see where we went wrong and try to fix it. ill do my best para i save yung relationship. pero if in the future hindi na talaga pwede then ill let go. at least masasabi ko sa sarili ko na i tried my best and that i was honest and faithful sa knya. i just wanna grow as a person and as a lover. im not gonna go looking for tropa or tristan or anyone else. im not gonna search for the perfect one. im just gonna wait and see kung sino ang ihaharap sakin ng fate. right now im closing the door for me and tropa pero it doesnt mean that im closing it permanently. im just gonna be a good gf para next time kapag nagkaroon ako ng bagong relationship ill be better, wiser and more matured. im closing the door pero someday if he comes knocking and i am a free woman again then maybe ill let him in. pero for sure im not closing the window to friendship. i am still here pero as a friend nalang. salamat sa lahat tropa. sorry if i dragged you into this messy and confusing life of mine. i thought you could handle it pero im really sorry. honestly, i dont know what to say or where to start. i just wanna shut up and just hope the pain i caused you would go away. usually i know the perfect thing to say to comfort a friend, pero in this case i dont have anything. i hope i dont bump into you too soon. at least gusto ko ma get over mo muna yung pain bago mo ulit ako makita. im hoping pag nagkita tayo ulit we can still be friends. i only have a few real friends here in winnipeg and i really think you are one of them. it would be a shame to lose someone like you. you are an exact guy version of me haha. that's someone really hard to find. that's enough said. i talk too much. thanks for everything and i guess ill just see you around tropa.