growing up

a big part of growing up is learning to face problems and making hard decisions. at this point in my life, lahat ng decisions ko may consequences na. and i can't just run away or iwasan ang mga problema ko kasi i'm old enough to be responsible. hindi na pwedeng iasa ko sa iba ung pagsolve sa mga problema ko. HINDI NA AKO BATA. i've been saying that to myself ever since i got here. kpag may argument kami nila mama lagi kong nirarason na im old enough to make decisions for myself. mahirap din pala maging grown up. one of the hardest thing that i'm learning right now is how to let go.

alam ko mali na ako. ind na tama tong gingwa ko and im too stubborn to stop. i let it go too far and i waited until it got to this point. mahirap na maglet go ng isa sa kanila. i waited until i learned to love ericson. pero mahal ko pa rin si erick. partially, tama si ariane sa mga sinabi nia sakin. si erick talaga ang mahal ko pero si ericson ang pumupuno sa lahat ng expectations ko, siya ang ideal bf for me.

now i don't know whether to stay with the one i love kahit na nasasaktan ako kasi hindi nia kayang gawin ang lahat ng expectations ko. i dont wanna stay like this forever na hindi ako totally masaya. i dont wanna have regrets. so much has happened and sad to say we will never ever be the same. marami na ang nagbago and im sure we are not the same people who started this relationship. and from the way things are going right now, i think we are just gonna get worse. wala nang tiwala. wala nang respect. i love him i really do we have been through so much. ang dami dami kong binigay at wala akong hiningi pabalik. kaya its hard for me to just let go of something that i really worked hard for. pero i think i might have to kasi whatever i do i can't get it back. sabi nga nila "when letting go is less painful that holding on, then that's the time to move on". uu mahal ko siya pero forever bang andito ung love? the only thing that's holding me back is him. he can't let go of me either. mahal din pala ako ni erick kahit papano, kahit minsan he treats me like crap and ako naman i treat him like dirt haha. i dont know kung love ba un, companionship, kung he just needs me or dahil nasanay lang siya na lagi akong nandito. lalo pa ngayon na kilalang kilala na ako ng family nia. 2 years with him was hard. somehow i cant help but think na pano na kami in the future kung 2 years palang e struggle na kami. i just feel like we have been through so much. we have committed the worst offenses to each other. we have both cheated, lied, taken each other for granted and more. despite all that we still managed to stay together pero is it still the right thing to do? ako i know for myself na i can never be faithful ulit sa kanya just because i've lost total trust in him. wala na rin akong respeto sa kanya. sometimes i ask myself if im staying bacause i really do love him or dahil natatakot ako sa big change na haharapin ko once we are over. its hard to start all over. i still like a lot of things about him pero ngayon nagiging evident sakin ung mga pagkukulang nia ung mga worst things about him.