my sweetest downfall...

dec 12- ok after nung abortion all is well ulit sa buhay ko. .. at first i was really worried. natatakot ako more on the procedure itself pero not so much about my decision to have it. i was thinking about it constantly mabuti nga pumasa pa ako sa mga exams ko kasi sobrang lutang ang utak ko nung nag aaral ako haha. ang finally pumasa na ko sa physical assessment ko buti nlng maraming maraming salamat talaga kay austine. sobrang bait talaga ng babaeng yun sobra nakaka konsensya lalo na't alam kong may malaking kasalanan ako. so back to the abortion procedure, ang tagal naman talaga nung hinintay ko kaya nung finally turn ko na hindi na ko ninenerbyos im more of inip na. it went by quickly. 2 mins lang ata tapos na and its the same feeling as having cramps during dysmennorrhea pero mas matindi ng konti. and then recovery ng 20 mins and then im ready to go. after ng procedure hindi na ako maxadong dinugo and nawala rin ung cramps ko siguro kasi i was early- 5 weeks to be exact. 3 days after, ok na ok na ko yun nga lang sobrang hindi ako dinudugo which is normal din and i have my follow up in 2 weeks. as much as possible ayoko nang isipin pa yung nangyari and mas lalong ayokong isipin na walang pakialam si erick sa lahat ng nangyari. haha minsan hindi ko alam kung brave ba ako or stupid. tama nga si meg, i do what i want to do without thinking about the consequences.. pero honestly for this one, i was glad i did it kasi i felt so relieved and it gave me a sense of independence ulit. i feel renewed.

dec 13- my first roadtest. sabi sa clinic walang driving for 24 hours pero as usual pasaway nanaman ang lola mo kaya hindi ko na pina cancel. i was feeling ok naman eh. so ayun haha sa kasamaang palad bumagsak ako pero i dont blame anyone but myself. alam ko namang mali ko lahat yun kaya tanggap ko na yun. pissed off lang ako nung daw na yun kaya medyo nagsusungit ang ate mo haha. pero i realized na kung hindi ko man nakuha ng first time, i should not let that stop me from trying again. and the next time na mag roadtest ako ill make sure that i do everything right and that i am well prepared. hahah that's the spirit. the main reason lang naman na gusto kong magdriving eh para sa family ko kasi ayokong nagbubus pa cla mama or si hagel or si rowell lalo na ngayong winter na sobrang lamig. so lahit yun nalang yung gawin ko para sa family ko. i know that for the past year naging malaking disappointment lang ako sa kanila kaya kahit man lang sana sa pagdridrive mapagbigyan ko sila diba. tamang tama school is over so i have all the time para magdrive. ill work sa mga mali ko para next time ill nail it. hahha nga pala may kotse na ko. love na love talaga ako ng tatay ko. mantakin mong ipapangalan pa talaga nia dapat sakin ung kotse kaso nga lang kasi naka-loan ako kya hindi pede pero that's sweet of him. i felt na somehow kahit naging failure ako pagpili ko ng relationship, he still trusts me and ako pa rin talaga yung panganay nia kaya nagrerelay pa rin xa sakin. ijm gonna do this not for myself pero im gonna get that license for them. ok lng na alilain nila ako at gawing driver basta hindi na sila naglalakad or nagbubus pa.

dec 14- finally i passed my return demo- special thanks to austine. i had a huge fight with erick. it started small naman pero cguro fed up lang kaming dalawa or talagang wala lang kami sa mood kaya nagkainitan ng ulo. nakipag-break xa and i thought i was ok with it. but after an hour tumwag ako just to confirm and just as i expected ayaw nia rin lang makipaghiwalay, he was just asking for space dahil i was being too controlling. its good na naka-online si meganne. love na love ko talaga tong bestfriend ko na toh. kilalang kilala nia ako ang xa lang ang pwedeng mamprangka sakin at muramurahin ako. she taught me how to be more independent and how to stop beong too needy and clingy. and starting tonight im gonna work on being an independent woman ulit. she reminded me of who i was before and im just so glad na ginawa nia kasi i really needed it dahil nakalimutan ko na kung sino ako noon. starting today im gonna work on bringing that girl back. yung independent, smart but sensitive girl na hindi umaasa sa iba para maging masaya ang to feel accepted. as long as i like myself everything will fall into place. i just need to rememebr that A BOYFRIEND IS JUST THAT- A BOYFRIEND-NOTHING MORE AND NOTHING LESS. i should cut erick some slack. if he doesn't want me to crowd his space well then ill step back. ill use it to my own advantage na rin and sasanayin ko na rin yung sarili ko ng hindi umaasa sa kahit kanino para if ever we do decide to call it off, im prepared and im capable. don't get me wrong i still love him im just gonna give him space and start living my life the way i want to again at hindi lang around him. starting today. thanks meg. i really really miss you...


so ayun maraming excting events na nangyari sakin pero tinatamad lang akong isulat kaya ngayon lang ako nag update. pero ill do it more often lalo na ngayon na im striving to be more independent which means that there is less crying and emo moments kay aill just write things down....