im getting tired of this

wala pang one week pero aning nanaman ako. im scared that i might be pregnant again. naaawa ako sa katawan ko kasi mahihirapan ako if i would have to take another abortion. plus it can increase the possibility of complications and i cannot risk that. pano if it keeps getting worse? dapat talga pinigilan ko yung sarili ko dapat hindi kami nagsex until the 2 weeks was up. now im just worried. im worried na baka ung pre cum nia may contain enough sperm to get me pregnant or that i took the morning after pill too late or that the condom slipped and the white goo around his penis was actually sperm. plus im not feeling well, im beginning to get crumps and ang nakakatakot pa is hindi ko alam what might be causing it. it might be due to the abortion, menstrual period, infection, or that i might be pregnant ot it might just be the birth control pills. out of all these, im most worried about pregnancy. the bad thing pa is wala akong makausap na expert tungkol sa issue who could tell me what to do next or at least give me an accurate diagnosis para hindi ako nag-guguess. AND ngayon medyo dinudugo na ako. what's happening? ayokong magworry kasi prang lagi nlng akong nagwoworry. lagi nalang akong nagiisip ng worst scenarios that could happen to me. before the pregnancy, i was depressed and really worried and hopeless and all that tpos after the abortion ganun pa rin ba? im tired of always worrying. im getting stressed even more than i am kapag may school. i dont like this one bit. and to top it all, my "support" person is not so supportive after all. parang feeling ko tinataboy nia ako. bakit ngayon pa?kung kelan kailangan ko ng someone? ano kayang ibig sabihin nun? is this god's way of saying that i should get used to being away from him and that i should start leaving my life without him again? i dont know. ayoko na magisip. as much as i want to change and give him the space he wants, i cant im sorry hunny. i love you so much please huwag mo naman akong itaboy kasi kailangan kita ngayon please kahit mag acting ka lang. please hunny act like you care naman kahit konti lang. pls. im really worried. i need to relax. ..

meg my savior

meganda (12/14/2007 10:53:32 PM): you're beginning to become stupid phoebi
meganda (12/14/2007 10:53:43 PM): the phoebi i knew wouldn't have an abortion
meganda (12/14/2007 10:58:04 PM): mag usap kayo para may closure
meganda (12/14/2007 10:58:09 PM): end things up with him
meganda (12/14/2007 10:58:14 PM): he's bad for you
meganda (12/14/2007 10:58:31 PM): you're always confused and second guessing when you're with him
meganda (12/14/2007 10:58:41 PM): hell bee. use your head for once
meganda (12/14/2007 11:00:08 PM): and certainly not to the point na sobra na akong mukhang tanga
meganda (12/14/2007 11:00:15 PM): you'll get over him sometime
meganda (12/14/2007 11:00:23 PM): better start making the first move
meganda (12/14/2007 11:00:26 PM): NOW
meganda (12/14/2007 11:01:28 PM): i'm not just gonna talk sense into you
meganda (12/14/2007 11:01:45 PM): bugbugin kita hanggang matauhan ka
meganda (12/14/2007 11:01:54 PM): sarAP mong murahin bee
meganda (12/14/2007 11:02:05 PM): layuan mo na yang taong yan
meganda (12/14/2007 11:02:15 PM): you'll find someone better
meganda (12/14/2007 11:17:02 PM): hayaan mo sya
meganda (12/14/2007 11:17:08 PM): make him miss you
meganda (12/14/2007 11:17:19 PM): tipong bigla kang mag disappear for sometime
meganda (12/14/2007 11:17:24 PM): tapos balik ka
meganda (12/14/2007 11:17:36 PM): wag yung da[pat laging alam mo kung asan sya
meganda (12/14/2007 11:18:17 PM): wag mo naman kasing inaalam lahat ng lakad nya
meganda (12/14/2007 11:18:25 PM): wag laging nagkukwento ng araw mo
meganda (12/14/2007 11:18:30 PM): act mysterious
meganda (12/14/2007 11:19:02 PM): or call him once a week
meganda (12/14/2007 11:19:08 PM): or twice
meganda (12/14/2007 11:19:40 PM): if he calls or asks you out at pwede ka, say yes
meganda (12/14/2007 11:19:57 PM): just answer his questions
meganda (12/14/2007 11:20:04 PM): ask some questions din
meganda (12/14/2007 11:20:09 PM): like how was your day
meganda (12/14/2007 11:20:16 PM): anything exciting happen to you today??
meganda (12/14/2007 11:20:29 PM): avoid asking where he's been, what he's been doing
meganda (12/14/2007 11:20:37 PM): and specific stuff like that
meganda (12/14/2007 11:21:35 PM): don't always make yourself available
meganda (12/14/2007 11:21:45 PM): once in a while tumanggi ka din
meganda (12/14/2007 11:22:01 PM): say your busy or that you've some family affairs or stuff to do
meganda (12/14/2007 11:23:15 PM): sa yo din lang babalik yan
meganda (12/14/2007 11:23:28 PM): pero if you're too suffocating, di na babalik yan
meganda (12/14/2007 11:31:27 PM): toomuch space is also not healthy
meganda (12/14/2007 11:42:49 PM): chill out girl
meganda (12/14/2007 11:42:58 PM): a boyfriends just that. a boyfriend
meganda (12/14/2007 11:43:09 PM): he's not yet your husband so don't get too close
meganda (12/14/2007 11:43:19 PM): don't act as if you can't live without him
meganda (12/14/2007 11:43:53 PM): show him you could live without him and he'll do stuff to show you that you need him in your life
meganda (12/14/2007 11:44:10 PM): that's what a relationship should be like
meganda (12/14/2007 11:44:20 PM): you not needing him while he gives everything to you
meganda (12/14/2007 11:44:27 PM): it's all about manipulation
meganda (12/14/2007 11:45:14 PM): right. you are stupid
meganda (12/14/2007 11:45:19 PM): disappointing
meganda (12/14/2007 11:45:26 PM): sensya
meganda (12/14/2007 11:45:35 PM): sorry if i'm being too blunt
meganda (12/14/2007 11:45:44 PM): kelangan mong matauhan
meganda (12/14/2007 11:45:51 PM): langya
meganda (12/14/2007 11:46:01 PM): you're making a fool out of yourself already
meganda (12/14/2007 11:46:52 PM): nabuhay ka ng wala yung lalaking yun kaya mawala man sya, kaya mo uli mabuhay
meganda (12/14/2007 11:47:01 PM): di naman sa ayaw
meganda (12/14/2007 11:47:15 PM): i just don;t like the way you handle your relationships
meganda (12/14/2007 11:47:19 PM): you're too clingy
meganda (12/14/2007 11:47:21 PM): too needy
meganda (12/14/2007 11:47:23 PM): suffocating
meganda (12/14/2007 11:47:30 PM): you need to give the guy some slack
meganda (12/14/2007 11:47:50 PM): independent ka naman dati ah
meganda (12/14/2007 11:48:08 PM): that's why it feels like i don't know you anymore
meganda (12/14/2007 11:48:30 PM): you did what you wanted, not thinking of the consequences
meganda (12/14/2007 11:48:48 PM): you strove for what made you happy, disregarding what others thought about you
meganda (12/14/2007 11:49:21 PM): yeah. bout things like your grade or your score in an exam
meganda (12/14/2007 11:49:41 PM): but never to the extent that you'd dwell on stuff like that for more than two hours
meganda (12/14/2007 11:50:03 PM): sarap mo talagang batukan
meganda (12/14/2007 11:50:22 PM): just wanna knock some sense into you
meganda (12/14/2007 11:51:00 PM): you're independent girl!!!!!!!!!
meganda (12/14/2007 11:51:18 PM): never ka nag rely on other people to make you happy or feel wanted
meganda (12/14/2007 11:52:20 PM): don't wanna ask for help from anyone
meganda (12/15/2007 12:24:26 AM): you'd better tell me something good
meganda (12/15/2007 12:24:56 AM): love you so much na i wanna go ther and batukan ka

my sweetest downfall...

dec 12- ok after nung abortion all is well ulit sa buhay ko. .. at first i was really worried. natatakot ako more on the procedure itself pero not so much about my decision to have it. i was thinking about it constantly mabuti nga pumasa pa ako sa mga exams ko kasi sobrang lutang ang utak ko nung nag aaral ako haha. ang finally pumasa na ko sa physical assessment ko buti nlng maraming maraming salamat talaga kay austine. sobrang bait talaga ng babaeng yun sobra nakaka konsensya lalo na't alam kong may malaking kasalanan ako. so back to the abortion procedure, ang tagal naman talaga nung hinintay ko kaya nung finally turn ko na hindi na ko ninenerbyos im more of inip na. it went by quickly. 2 mins lang ata tapos na and its the same feeling as having cramps during dysmennorrhea pero mas matindi ng konti. and then recovery ng 20 mins and then im ready to go. after ng procedure hindi na ako maxadong dinugo and nawala rin ung cramps ko siguro kasi i was early- 5 weeks to be exact. 3 days after, ok na ok na ko yun nga lang sobrang hindi ako dinudugo which is normal din and i have my follow up in 2 weeks. as much as possible ayoko nang isipin pa yung nangyari and mas lalong ayokong isipin na walang pakialam si erick sa lahat ng nangyari. haha minsan hindi ko alam kung brave ba ako or stupid. tama nga si meg, i do what i want to do without thinking about the consequences.. pero honestly for this one, i was glad i did it kasi i felt so relieved and it gave me a sense of independence ulit. i feel renewed.

dec 13- my first roadtest. sabi sa clinic walang driving for 24 hours pero as usual pasaway nanaman ang lola mo kaya hindi ko na pina cancel. i was feeling ok naman eh. so ayun haha sa kasamaang palad bumagsak ako pero i dont blame anyone but myself. alam ko namang mali ko lahat yun kaya tanggap ko na yun. pissed off lang ako nung daw na yun kaya medyo nagsusungit ang ate mo haha. pero i realized na kung hindi ko man nakuha ng first time, i should not let that stop me from trying again. and the next time na mag roadtest ako ill make sure that i do everything right and that i am well prepared. hahah that's the spirit. the main reason lang naman na gusto kong magdriving eh para sa family ko kasi ayokong nagbubus pa cla mama or si hagel or si rowell lalo na ngayong winter na sobrang lamig. so lahit yun nalang yung gawin ko para sa family ko. i know that for the past year naging malaking disappointment lang ako sa kanila kaya kahit man lang sana sa pagdridrive mapagbigyan ko sila diba. tamang tama school is over so i have all the time para magdrive. ill work sa mga mali ko para next time ill nail it. hahha nga pala may kotse na ko. love na love talaga ako ng tatay ko. mantakin mong ipapangalan pa talaga nia dapat sakin ung kotse kaso nga lang kasi naka-loan ako kya hindi pede pero that's sweet of him. i felt na somehow kahit naging failure ako pagpili ko ng relationship, he still trusts me and ako pa rin talaga yung panganay nia kaya nagrerelay pa rin xa sakin. ijm gonna do this not for myself pero im gonna get that license for them. ok lng na alilain nila ako at gawing driver basta hindi na sila naglalakad or nagbubus pa.

dec 14- finally i passed my return demo- special thanks to austine. i had a huge fight with erick. it started small naman pero cguro fed up lang kaming dalawa or talagang wala lang kami sa mood kaya nagkainitan ng ulo. nakipag-break xa and i thought i was ok with it. but after an hour tumwag ako just to confirm and just as i expected ayaw nia rin lang makipaghiwalay, he was just asking for space dahil i was being too controlling. its good na naka-online si meganne. love na love ko talaga tong bestfriend ko na toh. kilalang kilala nia ako ang xa lang ang pwedeng mamprangka sakin at muramurahin ako. she taught me how to be more independent and how to stop beong too needy and clingy. and starting tonight im gonna work on being an independent woman ulit. she reminded me of who i was before and im just so glad na ginawa nia kasi i really needed it dahil nakalimutan ko na kung sino ako noon. starting today im gonna work on bringing that girl back. yung independent, smart but sensitive girl na hindi umaasa sa iba para maging masaya ang to feel accepted. as long as i like myself everything will fall into place. i just need to rememebr that A BOYFRIEND IS JUST THAT- A BOYFRIEND-NOTHING MORE AND NOTHING LESS. i should cut erick some slack. if he doesn't want me to crowd his space well then ill step back. ill use it to my own advantage na rin and sasanayin ko na rin yung sarili ko ng hindi umaasa sa kahit kanino para if ever we do decide to call it off, im prepared and im capable. don't get me wrong i still love him im just gonna give him space and start living my life the way i want to again at hindi lang around him. starting today. thanks meg. i really really miss you...


so ayun maraming excting events na nangyari sakin pero tinatamad lang akong isulat kaya ngayon lang ako nag update. pero ill do it more often lalo na ngayon na im striving to be more independent which means that there is less crying and emo moments kay aill just write things down....