alone

ilang blog entries and poems na ba ang nasulat ko tungkol sa pagiisa? ilang beses ko na ba naramdaman na magisa lang ako despite all the people surrounding me. kung noon "feeling" ko lang na mag-isa ako, well now its literally true. lately i've been feeling so alone. and when i look around me, i doesn't help that i don't see anyone else but myself. how did i get here? with a blink of an eye, in just a matter of 4 yrs, i've been completely locked out from the world. from the social world. i thought i was friendly enough. akala ko nung umalis ako papunta dito sa canada, i will be able to cope up and find new friends. but sad to say i didn't. who would have thought na ganito pala kahirap magkaroon ng true friends dito. i've always had trouble making friend. see, im not the social type of girl. befriending someone is not easy for me. i've always been shy and too quite to approach people. maybe that's why i've had the same set of friends from elementary to high school to college. that's why im so used to being in a small crowd of friends who knew each other very well. friends that i could trust my life with. siguro yun din ang dahilan kung bakit hindi ako nakukuntento sa casual friends lang. i don't consider social friends as true friends. i'd rather have friends who know me inside out than tons of people who know me superficially. is that why i'm having trouble finding "friends"? am i too picky? every "friend" that i've met here in canada did not last for long. i always find myself alone in the end. i know i have my family and my beby pero its different having girl friends. i miss having girl talks. pag naaalala ko yung mga friends ko na inabandone ko sa philippines, i can't help but feel resentful. i regret those times na hindi ko sila inappreciate. and i miss the times na i was surrounded with friends. with people who are interested in me enough to invite sa mga gimiks and include me sa mga plano. i miss feeling special again. like nothing is the same without me. na hindi kumpleto yung happening kung wala ako. my friends who would drop whatever they are doing just to listen to me cry, laugh and swear. yung kahit anong trip kong gawin andun pa rin sila para damayan ako. i know that i'm mopping again. pero what can i do? ito lang nmn ang pede kong gawin. there's not a lot of options if your pretty much alone all the time. i feel selfish everytime ericson wants to go out. pinapayagan ko siya pero deep inside i can't help but feel jealous of him. na kahit konti lang sila ng mga barkada nia, they are still there. and totoo yung friendship nila not just social friendship. i dont want to be part of his barkada or to go hang out with them. i envy him kasi meron siyang boys night. a night where he can be just a regular guy. na kapag may problema anjan sila para dumamay. i envy him kapag he has to divide his time between me and his guy friends. i envy the bond that they have with each other. sana ako rin meron nun. sana makahanap rin ako ng girl friends ko that will have the same bonding as them. gusto ko ng friend like those that i have back at home. friends na makikinig sakin, na dadamayan ako, ung hindi ako iiwan, hindi ung occasional friends lang na nakikita lang ako kung may kailngang sila sakin. its sad to say pero hanggang ngayon umaasa pa rin ako na makakahanap ang ganung klase ng friends. that's why i feel hopeful everytime i'm in a new environment. i'm still hoping to find friends every time i change jobs. but with my current job lalo lang akong naging loner. everytime may nakikita akong group of friends i feel sorry for myself. isa to sa mga reasons why i'm not satisfied with my life. kaya hindi ako makuntento kasi hindi naman kompleto. sometimes iniisip ko, is it really my need for friends that's botering me or is it my need for an audience? nakakahiya mang aminin pero minsan i just want people to watch out for me. na abangan nila ung buhay ko. na ma excite sila sa mga events ng buhay ko. i know its pathetic but that's me. effect of having low self esteem. i want a taste of the lime light once in a while. to be the center of attention. to be the most looked out for. pero seriously, i feel bad for ericson. he's not doing anything wrong. most of the time its just me envy that's causing us to fight. kasi lalabas siya tapos ako naman i'll feel left out, maiinggit ako, magtatampo ako and then before i know it away na. i feel sorry for him kasi he has me for a girlfriend. i cant control my emotions kasi masyado na akong down, feeling ko napaka loser ko and mag-isa lang ako. walang wala kasi akong self confidence. misnan naiisip ko i should break up with him kesa yung laging ganito. he will feel bad kahit na wala nmn siyang ginagawa. dahil lang sa meron siyang gf na insecure and loner, loser and jealous of his friends. kung pede lang i'd endure this alone. madalas iniisip ko mag-isa na rin lang ako then why not so it for real. drive away all the people around me. he deserves so much better than me, yung may kompisyansa sa sarili nia. hindi ung katulad kong masyadong loner. i depend on him too much. i never forget na he is all that i have. and i dont want to look despirate. im really sorry i hope kahit papano maintindihan mo why i act the way i do. its because im literally alone. kapag wala ka na, ill be alone and im trying to be strong for myself kahit na sinasaktan ko lang sarili ko in the process. i hate it na my being a big loser and loner is interferring with our relationship. i wish i could ignore my feelings. sana hindi nalang ako naapektuhan kapag naiisip kong ganito ako. na this is what i've been. sana mapaniwala ko yung sarili ko na kaya ko talagang mag-isa.