why do i feel such a loser?

hay ewan ko ba bakit feeling ko napaka laki kong loser. eveything i do, everything i say. from the time i wake up to the time i sleep. there are a few reasons that i can think of why i consider myself such a loser. somehow, i can't find anything good about me. i think that all the things i have, i dont really deserve. the people who love me, they deserve better. far better than me. i just don't see anything good happening to me. parang lahat nlng ng isipin kong maganda tungkol sakin laging may pangontra. laging may negative feedback. ang masama pa, may nasasaktan everytime i think of myself as like that. ayoko na sanang makasakit ng iba. tutal ako naman ung loser eh so bakit kailangan pang mangdamay ng ibang tao. kung pede lang akin nlng sana toh. na sana i can feel sorry for myself without anyone getting hurt about it. tuloy naguguilty ako kasi meron akong sinasaktan. and then i end up lying to myself just to make other feel better kahit na deep inside alam ko namang ind ako naniniwala sa mga sinasabi. i still feel like a big loser. andito nga ako sa canada pero i don't feel blessed at all. sana lang talaga sa iba nalang binigay tong oppurtunity na toh. someone who would really appreciate it and make the best out of it. ako wala. when i left parang i died na rin. i dont even know why im here. hanggang ngaun hindi ko pa rin maintindihan kung bakit kailangan ko pang pumunta dito. i was perfectly fine with my life back there. and all i wanted was a simple life. pero no, i had to be here in canada. sabi ni papa para daw samin to. oh yes para samin. and now i have to work twice as hard to make sure na makatapos ako at makakuha ako ng diploma. kaya nagtitiis ako sa nursing kahit na puro bagsak ako and i dont know if i will survive this last year. every step have been a struggle for me. na parang anytime pede akong ma kick out i hate this feeling. i hate being the last in class. im tired of being considered a below average student. i dont even know kung bakit ko ba kinuha ung nursing. nawala naman an yung passion ko for it. i'm just not happy anymore. not at all that i dread everyday i have to go to school. i hate seeing their faces. i hate looking like a stupid dumb student. but then again, pati yun im beginning to doubt na rin. talino? nawawala rin yun. siguro sa pinas uu maipagmamalaki ko pa yun. pero dito? hindi na. hindi na ako excellent. isa nalang akong pasang awang student. kaya rin nabawasan ang self confidence ko dahil yung kaisa isang asset na nakikita ko eh wala na rin pala. ano pang maipagmamalaki ko ngayon? i dont even know kung papasa pa ako ng nursing. and if i don't, i cant imagine the humiliation that i will cause. i just might die. seriously, if i dont pass, i greatly consider suicide. ayoko nang maging burden pa sa family ko and wala na rin naman akong mukhang ihaharap pa. i feel so sad kapag nakikita ko family na they are so proud of me pero sa totoo lang malapit na kong ma kickout anytime. its not that i dont want to study. talgang wala na e. i feel so disappointed with myself. and one more thing, it doesn't help that i have to go thru college alone. imagine for 3 years i've been wondering the university grounds alone. wala man lang classmate na ka close. feeling ko lahat ng tao kailngan pakibagayan. every course subject im a different person. hindi ko man lang maipakita yung totoong ako. napapanis laway ko dahil wala naman akong makausap ng matino. i've reached far measures as to taking ericson with me sa school para lang may kasama ko. how pathetic am i?like seriously? very!!!!!!!!!!!! another reason is appearances. need i say more? mula pagkabata, insecure na ko sa sarili ko. lahat ng tao far more better than me. kung baga sa pyramid, i am at the farthest bottom. im fat, im ugly, im stupid, ni wala nga akong talent na maipagmalaki e. my life is so plain and boring that i know people will feel sorry for me. sana naging maganda nlng ako at bobo. pero hindi e. bobo na ko, tanga pa and pangit pa. ang malas ko naman talaga. ang malas malas ko sobra. maswerte lang ako kasi may ericson na nagtitiis sakin kahit ganito ako. and even that, i know i dont deserve him. and he derserves far far more better than me. he deserves the best. hindi yung katulad kong loser. minsan i just wanna be gone. poof! just like that. gone. never to be seen again. i want to mope and feel sorry for myself alone. sarili ko nalng ung masaktan. sana wala nang madamay pa sa kamalasan ko. hindi ako nakukuntento and i always want more. that's because i dont have anything. im a nobody. and i'll always be like that. my life will always be this boring and dull. im only 22, pero im tired of living. i really am. i dont care what people say pero pagod na ko. i dont see anything good happening to me. i have plans pero i know hindi nmn mangyayari ung mga un e. its just nice to day dream minsan. hay lord, i wish i could have been better. sana man lang makakita ako ng something about me that i can be proud of. i dont know if ill ever learn to love myself.