after effect (circa 090908)

its been a month and i'm still here. i'm still surviving. honestly, im scared. i still don't trust myself. alam ko na iba na ung perspective ko ngayon. iba na ung goals ko. its not about him anymore. pero still natatakot ako na magkaharap kami. lalo pa ngayon na tinatawagan nia na ako. everyone was right. jes, beb, ericson. they all anticipated what he was gonna do in the next couple of days and he did do them. hindi na ako nasasaktan ng sobra gaya ng dati.i don't long for him that much anymore. he's starting to be just an ordinary guy in my life. hindi ko pa rin masasabi na im 100% okei pero at least may progress kahit papano. i've learned to appreciate myself more. alam ko these past few days i've done some pretty drastic things that i would never have done before.somehow i feel like i'm losing who i've become in the last 2 years. slowly napapalitan ung ways ko as a gf, and simply as me. its scary and liberating at the same time. looking back to who i was before when i was with him and who i am now with ericson, there has definitely been some changes. the pain and hell that i went through pushed me to work harder and to appreciate myself better. it gave me the motivation to start things that i've been meaning to do. pero still its scary kasi it might push me too far. although i like this new me, still there are things that i miss doing.

i guess what im trying to say is that im fine, im okay, i've started to accept things the way they are. i've learned to accept defeat and natanggap ko na rin na wala na yung dating minahal ko. i've learned to cope up with ericson. masaya naman na ako with how things are right now. its definitely different with him. pero im still not ready to be friends with my ex. hindi ko rin alam kung magiging ready pa ako ever. kung dati gustong gusto kong makipagbalikan well now im thinking twice bago ko isipin yun. i can't deny na i still like him. and i think its better na ganito nalang kami, liking each other pero not really getting back together. alam ko hirap din xa