darkest days..

i can clearly say now that i am walking through the darkest days of my life. this is the toughest decision that i had to do. i hope im its worth it. i know its wrong but i figured this is the easiest way out. i have worked so hard and its not worth it to risk everything. plus there are so many people looking up to me and they are all counting on me. i can't let them down. no.not again. because if i go through with this, i will be left with nothing. im not yet ready for this kind of thing. and i know you're not either becaue i can see it in the way you act even if you say the opposite.i dont want to start something that will make me totally commit myself to you. im so sorry but i dont want to end up with someone like you. i can stay with you for a while only, say 1 year or so, but not for a lifetime. i just cant see myself growing old with you because i know i can never be truly happy.i have so many things that i want to pursue and i need someone who has the same point of view as me. someone who wants to do something good with their life. someone who can act mature enough for the both of us and someone who can commit himself to me. maybe we're just not from the same page here. your goals are clearly different from mine. im too young to think about settling down or anything of that kind im sorry. i hope that i can master enough courage to go through with this. i know its not yet here but i just want to be prepared just in case things take a turn for the worst. my bigger concern is how to cope up after this. after everything, can i still pick up myself and start all over? you've messed up my life well enough already. stop. its time for me to fix everything now. i cannot go on like this. i need to fix my life and the first thing i need to do is to get rid of the one who is messing it up. and sad to say it is you. i though i was inlove and so i gave you everything. i didn't mean for things to go this far. this is a serious problem now and i know i can't fix it alone. and once again it became clear to me that you don't give a damn. i can drop dead right in front of your eyes and i know that you wont even wince. i realized i cant live like this. i can't live in your shadow anymore just doing what you want me to do and taking what you can give me. i wasn't raised to be like this. nor will i allow myself to be like this any longer. after this, after evrything that i am about to do i will leave you. i hope you understand. i need to think of myself too and i know this is the best for me. i don't know how to cope up with things after this but i know i need to give you up so that i can start over.. right now o just want to pray fpr courage to do this. to you, the one that i dont see but maybe a part of me, im sorry but i have too..this is not the time...im sorry