what?

what defines the term "beauty"?

since i was a kid, there have only been a few RARE occasions that i felt really and truly beautiful. hearing people say that i am pretty is not a usual thing for me.minsan kahit na ung mga taong ineexpect ko na magsasabing maganda ako for who i am, do not compliment me at all. my mom? diba sabi nia a child will always be beautiful to his or her mother no matter what. pero feeling ko that statement is not true for me. i hardly hear any compliment from my mom. rather, laging pintas ang napapansin nia sakin kapag nakikita nia ako. " ano ba nmn yan ang taba taba mo", "ba't ang pangit mo", "feeling mo naman maganda boses mo".stuff like these. most times ayoko magpakita sa mga magulang ko or sa family ko, kasi ang bati nila sakin laging lait. i hate this nature of my family. at first glance we look like the perfect family. pero if you look closer we are nowhere close to perfect. chismosa, manlalait, mayabang, pabida. un ang totoong nature ng family ko. hindi lang halata kasi xempre kailangan pasimple lang. pero its true. my family has been known for being mapagmalinis. namamansin ng mali ng iba, all the while hindi makita ung dumis a sariling mukha kinda thing. espesially my nanay. she seems nice and sweet.pero she is a notorius chismosa and pintasera. my mom naman ganun din pero worse kasi she picks on her own children and family? what kind of mother is that? ako? i'd rather she not say anything. anything at all. wag nalang magsalita kung ang sasabihn lang naman eh kapintasan. better to keep it to herself. i admit na hindi ako perpekto. i ahve my own flaws to worry about. at least ako i know where i stand. and i always know kung kelan mas mataas sakin ang tinitira ko. hinding hindi ako magbubuhat ng sarili kong bangko or pretend to be a little perfect goody shoes. no not me. aaminin ko sa harap ng iba ang mga kahinaan ko ang i wont try to hide it by making others feel bad about theirselves. i am the type of person who will lower myself. i lelevel ko ang sarili ko sa mas ambabang tao if that will comfort them and make them see me as an equal and not some boasting jerk. somehow i expected the people around me to show me the same kindness that i am showing them. kind of the saying. do unto others what you wants other to do unto you. pero somehow, it is never reciprocal. i've never felt anyone do the same things for me. never in my 22 years of life. never. if you were me. if you put yourself in my shoes, what would you feel? honestly?. i dont blame it on them (my family and the people who have, in one way or another, made me feel not worthy enough) that i turned out to be this hateful, insecure person who is hardly contented with anything and who always finds flaws in herself. yea that me. i dont feel beautiful. people tell me im pretty only if i complain about it or if i share my frustrations with them. i admit i have a good boyfriend. pero most times, i dont feel beautiful around him. heck! i dont think any guy will ever make me feel beautiful no matter what he says or does. ill always be this hateful person. there have been numerous times, millions of times that i felt that i am nothing. i try to make myself beautiful. i tried wearing make up. i tried losing weight. i triend changing hair colors. pero nothing works. in the end im still that ugly hag i started with. only i look more ridiculous and too "try hard". since grade school i have always been the wall paper type of girl. ung bang tipong hindi mo mapapansin. yung hindi stand out. yung ordinaryo lang. nothing special there. especially ung tipong not good enough for anything worth having. i just wished there could be a place where i could be for the first time, i could be the beautiful one. the good enough one. ung hindi ko kailangan magpapapayat, hindi ko kailangan mag make up, hindi ko kailangan amgdamit ng maganda para lang mapansin ng iba. para lang maramdaman kong kahit papano maganda rin naman ako. i just cant take people critiquing ng appearance. lalo na't given that i fully understand and that i am very very well aware na hindi naman talaga ako kagandahan. somehow i expected na there will be people around me who will see me as beautiful kahit na hindi naman ako ung typical na maganda talaga. hindi ung sexy, hindi ung maputi, hindi ung maganda ang buhok, hindi ung matangaos ang ilong and what not. its very very sad to say na walang ganung lugar para sakin. even in my own home i am not good enough. i am not pretty enough to deserve a compliment or two about how i look. and wala akong magagawa kasi ung ang iniisip ng sarili kong pamilya sakin. ung ang tingin ng mga taong "nagmamahal" sakin. kaya rin hindi ko mapigilang maging hater. im tired of being all nice and polite not telling people what are obviously wrong with them. pagod na ko na maging mabait and magalang. gusto ko maramdaman ng mga taong nasa paligid ko kung paano nila iparamdam sakin na pangit ako. na hindi ako worth it. na wala lang ako. gusto ko maramdaman nila ung sakit na binibigay nila sakin. tutal hindi rin naman totoo ung golden rule. kasi sa dinadami ng ginawa kong mabuti, kindness, respect sa iba. hindi ko naman nakikita na ginagawa sakin e. so why bother? for these, i certainly hate my self more. lalo lang ako nawalan ng compiyansa sa sarili ko. lalo lang ako naniniwala na kahit na anogn gawin ko i will never be good enough for anyone. i was born a loser and i will die a loser. there's just nothing else to it. everyone is above me. i am the lowest kind of person anyone could be. lalo na sa itsura. isa na ako sa pinakapangit sa mundo. i dont even know why i bother. hindi naman na magbabago yun eh. i will never be beautiful. not now, not ever.

flowers

i miss having flowers and chocolates and people being romantic to me. but then i again i wake up and realize that regular girls don't deserve that... certainly not me.

why do i feel such a loser?

hay ewan ko ba bakit feeling ko napaka laki kong loser. eveything i do, everything i say. from the time i wake up to the time i sleep. there are a few reasons that i can think of why i consider myself such a loser. somehow, i can't find anything good about me. i think that all the things i have, i dont really deserve. the people who love me, they deserve better. far better than me. i just don't see anything good happening to me. parang lahat nlng ng isipin kong maganda tungkol sakin laging may pangontra. laging may negative feedback. ang masama pa, may nasasaktan everytime i think of myself as like that. ayoko na sanang makasakit ng iba. tutal ako naman ung loser eh so bakit kailangan pang mangdamay ng ibang tao. kung pede lang akin nlng sana toh. na sana i can feel sorry for myself without anyone getting hurt about it. tuloy naguguilty ako kasi meron akong sinasaktan. and then i end up lying to myself just to make other feel better kahit na deep inside alam ko namang ind ako naniniwala sa mga sinasabi. i still feel like a big loser. andito nga ako sa canada pero i don't feel blessed at all. sana lang talaga sa iba nalang binigay tong oppurtunity na toh. someone who would really appreciate it and make the best out of it. ako wala. when i left parang i died na rin. i dont even know why im here. hanggang ngaun hindi ko pa rin maintindihan kung bakit kailangan ko pang pumunta dito. i was perfectly fine with my life back there. and all i wanted was a simple life. pero no, i had to be here in canada. sabi ni papa para daw samin to. oh yes para samin. and now i have to work twice as hard to make sure na makatapos ako at makakuha ako ng diploma. kaya nagtitiis ako sa nursing kahit na puro bagsak ako and i dont know if i will survive this last year. every step have been a struggle for me. na parang anytime pede akong ma kick out i hate this feeling. i hate being the last in class. im tired of being considered a below average student. i dont even know kung bakit ko ba kinuha ung nursing. nawala naman an yung passion ko for it. i'm just not happy anymore. not at all that i dread everyday i have to go to school. i hate seeing their faces. i hate looking like a stupid dumb student. but then again, pati yun im beginning to doubt na rin. talino? nawawala rin yun. siguro sa pinas uu maipagmamalaki ko pa yun. pero dito? hindi na. hindi na ako excellent. isa nalang akong pasang awang student. kaya rin nabawasan ang self confidence ko dahil yung kaisa isang asset na nakikita ko eh wala na rin pala. ano pang maipagmamalaki ko ngayon? i dont even know kung papasa pa ako ng nursing. and if i don't, i cant imagine the humiliation that i will cause. i just might die. seriously, if i dont pass, i greatly consider suicide. ayoko nang maging burden pa sa family ko and wala na rin naman akong mukhang ihaharap pa. i feel so sad kapag nakikita ko family na they are so proud of me pero sa totoo lang malapit na kong ma kickout anytime. its not that i dont want to study. talgang wala na e. i feel so disappointed with myself. and one more thing, it doesn't help that i have to go thru college alone. imagine for 3 years i've been wondering the university grounds alone. wala man lang classmate na ka close. feeling ko lahat ng tao kailngan pakibagayan. every course subject im a different person. hindi ko man lang maipakita yung totoong ako. napapanis laway ko dahil wala naman akong makausap ng matino. i've reached far measures as to taking ericson with me sa school para lang may kasama ko. how pathetic am i?like seriously? very!!!!!!!!!!!! another reason is appearances. need i say more? mula pagkabata, insecure na ko sa sarili ko. lahat ng tao far more better than me. kung baga sa pyramid, i am at the farthest bottom. im fat, im ugly, im stupid, ni wala nga akong talent na maipagmalaki e. my life is so plain and boring that i know people will feel sorry for me. sana naging maganda nlng ako at bobo. pero hindi e. bobo na ko, tanga pa and pangit pa. ang malas ko naman talaga. ang malas malas ko sobra. maswerte lang ako kasi may ericson na nagtitiis sakin kahit ganito ako. and even that, i know i dont deserve him. and he derserves far far more better than me. he deserves the best. hindi yung katulad kong loser. minsan i just wanna be gone. poof! just like that. gone. never to be seen again. i want to mope and feel sorry for myself alone. sarili ko nalng ung masaktan. sana wala nang madamay pa sa kamalasan ko. hindi ako nakukuntento and i always want more. that's because i dont have anything. im a nobody. and i'll always be like that. my life will always be this boring and dull. im only 22, pero im tired of living. i really am. i dont care what people say pero pagod na ko. i dont see anything good happening to me. i have plans pero i know hindi nmn mangyayari ung mga un e. its just nice to day dream minsan. hay lord, i wish i could have been better. sana man lang makakita ako ng something about me that i can be proud of. i dont know if ill ever learn to love myself.

alone

ilang blog entries and poems na ba ang nasulat ko tungkol sa pagiisa? ilang beses ko na ba naramdaman na magisa lang ako despite all the people surrounding me. kung noon "feeling" ko lang na mag-isa ako, well now its literally true. lately i've been feeling so alone. and when i look around me, i doesn't help that i don't see anyone else but myself. how did i get here? with a blink of an eye, in just a matter of 4 yrs, i've been completely locked out from the world. from the social world. i thought i was friendly enough. akala ko nung umalis ako papunta dito sa canada, i will be able to cope up and find new friends. but sad to say i didn't. who would have thought na ganito pala kahirap magkaroon ng true friends dito. i've always had trouble making friend. see, im not the social type of girl. befriending someone is not easy for me. i've always been shy and too quite to approach people. maybe that's why i've had the same set of friends from elementary to high school to college. that's why im so used to being in a small crowd of friends who knew each other very well. friends that i could trust my life with. siguro yun din ang dahilan kung bakit hindi ako nakukuntento sa casual friends lang. i don't consider social friends as true friends. i'd rather have friends who know me inside out than tons of people who know me superficially. is that why i'm having trouble finding "friends"? am i too picky? every "friend" that i've met here in canada did not last for long. i always find myself alone in the end. i know i have my family and my beby pero its different having girl friends. i miss having girl talks. pag naaalala ko yung mga friends ko na inabandone ko sa philippines, i can't help but feel resentful. i regret those times na hindi ko sila inappreciate. and i miss the times na i was surrounded with friends. with people who are interested in me enough to invite sa mga gimiks and include me sa mga plano. i miss feeling special again. like nothing is the same without me. na hindi kumpleto yung happening kung wala ako. my friends who would drop whatever they are doing just to listen to me cry, laugh and swear. yung kahit anong trip kong gawin andun pa rin sila para damayan ako. i know that i'm mopping again. pero what can i do? ito lang nmn ang pede kong gawin. there's not a lot of options if your pretty much alone all the time. i feel selfish everytime ericson wants to go out. pinapayagan ko siya pero deep inside i can't help but feel jealous of him. na kahit konti lang sila ng mga barkada nia, they are still there. and totoo yung friendship nila not just social friendship. i dont want to be part of his barkada or to go hang out with them. i envy him kasi meron siyang boys night. a night where he can be just a regular guy. na kapag may problema anjan sila para dumamay. i envy him kapag he has to divide his time between me and his guy friends. i envy the bond that they have with each other. sana ako rin meron nun. sana makahanap rin ako ng girl friends ko that will have the same bonding as them. gusto ko ng friend like those that i have back at home. friends na makikinig sakin, na dadamayan ako, ung hindi ako iiwan, hindi ung occasional friends lang na nakikita lang ako kung may kailngang sila sakin. its sad to say pero hanggang ngayon umaasa pa rin ako na makakahanap ang ganung klase ng friends. that's why i feel hopeful everytime i'm in a new environment. i'm still hoping to find friends every time i change jobs. but with my current job lalo lang akong naging loner. everytime may nakikita akong group of friends i feel sorry for myself. isa to sa mga reasons why i'm not satisfied with my life. kaya hindi ako makuntento kasi hindi naman kompleto. sometimes iniisip ko, is it really my need for friends that's botering me or is it my need for an audience? nakakahiya mang aminin pero minsan i just want people to watch out for me. na abangan nila ung buhay ko. na ma excite sila sa mga events ng buhay ko. i know its pathetic but that's me. effect of having low self esteem. i want a taste of the lime light once in a while. to be the center of attention. to be the most looked out for. pero seriously, i feel bad for ericson. he's not doing anything wrong. most of the time its just me envy that's causing us to fight. kasi lalabas siya tapos ako naman i'll feel left out, maiinggit ako, magtatampo ako and then before i know it away na. i feel sorry for him kasi he has me for a girlfriend. i cant control my emotions kasi masyado na akong down, feeling ko napaka loser ko and mag-isa lang ako. walang wala kasi akong self confidence. misnan naiisip ko i should break up with him kesa yung laging ganito. he will feel bad kahit na wala nmn siyang ginagawa. dahil lang sa meron siyang gf na insecure and loner, loser and jealous of his friends. kung pede lang i'd endure this alone. madalas iniisip ko mag-isa na rin lang ako then why not so it for real. drive away all the people around me. he deserves so much better than me, yung may kompisyansa sa sarili nia. hindi ung katulad kong masyadong loner. i depend on him too much. i never forget na he is all that i have. and i dont want to look despirate. im really sorry i hope kahit papano maintindihan mo why i act the way i do. its because im literally alone. kapag wala ka na, ill be alone and im trying to be strong for myself kahit na sinasaktan ko lang sarili ko in the process. i hate it na my being a big loser and loner is interferring with our relationship. i wish i could ignore my feelings. sana hindi nalang ako naapektuhan kapag naiisip kong ganito ako. na this is what i've been. sana mapaniwala ko yung sarili ko na kaya ko talagang mag-isa.