X

honestly hindi ko alam kong anong isusulat ko about everything. there are so many things in my mind na i dont even know where to start. kaya im just gonna write kung ano man ung nasa utak ko.i dont want to classify my thoughts i just want them out. and if i jump from one topic to another please bear with me. its the first and hopefully last time na magsusulat ako dito tungkol sa past relationship ko with X. i cant call him by his first name, not anymore kasi it brings back too much memories of him. gusto ko when i use the name eric it pertains to ericson and ericson alone. its been 2 weeks since we officially broke up. no communication for 2 weeks. so far im fine. hindi na ako umiiyak gabi gabi. nakakatulog na rin ako without worrying na mapapanaginipan ko xa. i do still think of him often during the day and especially during the night. and occasionally i still have my emoh moments. pero i think i handle them better now. im starting to accept things. i always remind myself of what ericson told me. hindi ko na xa mkakalimutan kasi part na xa ng buhay ko, malaking part ng buhay ko. what i need to do is to accept the fact na hanggang dito nalang. na gustuhin man naming magbalikn, hindi na maayos ung relationship namin. galit ako sa kanila. galit ako sa kanya. hindi ko alam kung tama bang magalit ako sa kanya. honestly i dont know kung bakit. i hate it na pinapalabas niang ako lang ang masama. nakalimutan ko na makitid nga pala ang utak ni X and he doesn't listen to reason. i tried to be honest sinabi ko lahat at inamin ko lahat ng kasalanan ko sa kanya. i guess i was expecting na matatanggap nia un, mapapatawad nia ako and everthing will be ok. pero kabaliktaran ung nangyari. if u ask me kung may regrets ako for telling the truth, masasabi kong wala dahil when i told him everything para ko na ring pinakawalan ung sarili ko sa web of lies na ginawa ko. it felt good na hindi magsinungaling sa isang tao for a change. pero i cant deny na the damage is already done. nasira na ung tiwala nia sakin and ganun din ako sa kanya. i still have the feeling na parang gusto ko xang habulin at magmakaawang tanggapin nia ako ulit, pero this time may pumipigil na sakin to do so. si ericson. plain and simple dahil mahal ko siya. siguro hindi katulad ng binigay ko kay X dati pero i know we'll get there. pasasaan bat magiging ok rin diba?ill pick myself up and kapag buo na ulit ako i can love him more than i did for X not because gusto kong maghiganti kay X but because i know he deserves it. we talked yesterday. after 2 weeks we talked. and knowing X alam kong tinwagan nia ako hindi para magpasalamat kundi para tignan kung hanggang ngayon e xa pa rin ba, kung babalik pa rin ba ako sa kanya. i almost did.. almost. i cried my heart out in front of him and there was nothing left for me. he wasn't cold or mean. i just know.it felt like he was just being nice sakin pero he did not wanna get back together. he told me he wasn't totally happy with her. but i know masaya xa kasi okei na ung situation. we both made decisions. we are both committed now. sabi nia sakin he still liked me. he still loved me. i dont know kung totoo pero god it feels good to hear it from him. pero hindi enough ung love para bumalik xa sakin. ang reason nia: simple. dahil ginawa ko ung worst na pede kong gawin- cheating. he emphasized na 7 mo ko xang ginago. its true. hindi ko lang matanggap na hindi nia mapatawad un samantalang ako 2 years of my life i gave to him. lahat ng kasalanan nia sakin tinanggap ko. kasalanan ko bang ma-fed up ako? aminado ako ugali ko ang maghiganti just because i felt so helpless and so used. i never did anything to him before. tiniis ko lahat. pero despite all that nagawa kong kalimutan, tanggapin siya and give him all the chances he asked for. he could not do the same for me. i really did love him. too much. and its not worth it. i know sometimes i mumble and say things na hindi na related sa pinaguusapan. i guess that's the kid in me. i want to blame it on others. sad to say i have a real gift of turning things around and make it sound na sila ang may kasalanan. sabi nia iasa nalang daw sa destiny, kung talgang kami, kami. i loved to hear it from him kasi it means may chance pa, pero i hate it too kasi it means aasa ako. pero i told him, sinabi kong hindi na ako aasa, sabi nia xa rin daw. ngayon ko lang nakita sarili ko na ganito. kung si ericson nakilala nia ung sarili nia sakin, well ako nakilala ko sarili ko sa kanya. i never thought na ganito ako magmahal. sobra sobra. na pede pala akong maging sobrang tanga, bulag, bingi ng dahil lang sa sobrang love. i set aside my pride, nagmakaawa ako if i had to, i thought of myself as worthless without him. and lalo kong napatunayan yun nung naghiwalay na kami. he was so dependent on me. and ako i loved the power. i loved it kasi i had control over everything he does. alam kong hindi xa mkakafunction without me. pero mali. mali kami pareho. we let it get out of hand. i stepped up and took up the responsibility sa relationship namin pero i knew nothing. it was my first relationship and i did not know anything pero i took over. and now na ako naman ung nasa backseat it feels so different. this breakup did me good din. i had a chance to re-invent myself. it gave me the motivation to start over and better. to look better, think better, plan better. ayokong punuin ng expectations kung ano man meron kami ni ericson ngayon. i dont want to build my life around him. it hurts to much. IM YOUNG, I CAN'T STOP LIVING AT 21. and definitely i can not stop loving at 21. there's so much more out there for me. i tried to look at it in a different perspective. kung sakaling naging kami nga ni X am i ready to settle down after 2 years? am i ready to start a family and just be a plain housewife. aaminin ko he's not husband material. no im not. madami pa akong hindi pa natutupad. minsan feeling ko OA na ung reaction ko kasi everyone seems fine with everything.minsan pakiramdam ko ako lang ung ganito magreact. i dk kung tama ung ganito. ngayon ko lang naman nkita sarili ko na ganito. pero i think im doing fine. kailngan lang hindi ko xa makita or makausap ng kahit isang buwan lang or so. and who knows maybe just maybe we can even become friends. just not now kasi it still stings to much. lahat na yata ng advise nasabi na sakin and they can't force it on me. i have to start applying them to myself. kung pwede lang talaga ibibigay ko nalang kay ericson ung hurt kasi alam kong kaya nia and he will know how to deal with it. pero hindi pede. ako na toh. and ei, kung may first bf meron ding first breakup and this is mine. para naman ma-experience ko diba. haha. i still dont know how im gonna get through this pero i know i will. lagi naman e. iyakin ako and i whine a lot pero i get through a lot of mess na dumadaan sa buhay ko. and i know i certainly will get through this. especially with ericson around. hay ericson. wat can i say about him? he is the best bf any girl can ever dream of. abot langit lang pasasalamat ko sa taong toh. i know i dont give him much credit and i know i sometimes cant see kung anong ginagawa nia para sakin pero he's still there. im lucky na mahal ako ng isang ericson dulman. i really am. and when im done fixing myself, naipapakita ko rin sa knya ung buong phoebi. he is everything that X will never be. i guess this is god's way of telling me na hindi tama. and i asked him. i asked god na kung hindi man si X, si lord n ang gumwa ng paraan. alam ko magiging masakit but it will save me from committing a big big mistake. god sent me ericson in my time of need. i know may purpose si god. i dont know it yet. i still cant see kung anong purpose nia for sending me X, pero i know things will clear out. i trust him naman e. he has been faithful to my family and i know he is faithful to me. sa ngayon hindi ko pa mawiwish ng goodluck and best wishes si X. i just want to leave things just the way they are. WHAT I DONT KNOW WONT HURT ME. i dont wanna know anything abt them muna kailngan muna patatagin ko ung loob ko para the next time we see each other hindi na ako magbre-breakdown. i hope may nabago rin ako sa kanya. i hope i helped mold him into a better person. kahit un nalang ung pa-consuelo ko okey na ko at least alam kong i touched his life hindi ung dumaan lang ako. i have to stop talking abt my past. this me now. this is who i have. and all i can really do is to start planning the future with who i have. i wanna be there for ericson just like what he does for me. again. hindi ko pa alam kung pano pero ill figure it out. i dont wanna force anything. i just wanna go with the flow and i want to move on in my own pace. take it easy pero certainly not slow. i dont wanna pressure anyone especially myself. i still have a lot to say...

What Cristina Phoebi Means

You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily. You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong. You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know. You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do. You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are influential and persuasive. You tend to have a lot of power over people. Generally, you use your powers for good. You excel at solving other people's problems. Occasionally, you do get a little selfish and persuade people to do things that are only in your interest. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life. You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are full of energy. You are spirited and boisterous. You are bold and daring. You are willing to do some pretty outrageous things. Your high energy sometimes gets you in trouble. You can have a pretty bad temper at times.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?