what?

what defines the term "beauty"?

since i was a kid, there have only been a few RARE occasions that i felt really and truly beautiful. hearing people say that i am pretty is not a usual thing for me.minsan kahit na ung mga taong ineexpect ko na magsasabing maganda ako for who i am, do not compliment me at all. my mom? diba sabi nia a child will always be beautiful to his or her mother no matter what. pero feeling ko that statement is not true for me. i hardly hear any compliment from my mom. rather, laging pintas ang napapansin nia sakin kapag nakikita nia ako. " ano ba nmn yan ang taba taba mo", "ba't ang pangit mo", "feeling mo naman maganda boses mo".stuff like these. most times ayoko magpakita sa mga magulang ko or sa family ko, kasi ang bati nila sakin laging lait. i hate this nature of my family. at first glance we look like the perfect family. pero if you look closer we are nowhere close to perfect. chismosa, manlalait, mayabang, pabida. un ang totoong nature ng family ko. hindi lang halata kasi xempre kailangan pasimple lang. pero its true. my family has been known for being mapagmalinis. namamansin ng mali ng iba, all the while hindi makita ung dumis a sariling mukha kinda thing. espesially my nanay. she seems nice and sweet.pero she is a notorius chismosa and pintasera. my mom naman ganun din pero worse kasi she picks on her own children and family? what kind of mother is that? ako? i'd rather she not say anything. anything at all. wag nalang magsalita kung ang sasabihn lang naman eh kapintasan. better to keep it to herself. i admit na hindi ako perpekto. i ahve my own flaws to worry about. at least ako i know where i stand. and i always know kung kelan mas mataas sakin ang tinitira ko. hinding hindi ako magbubuhat ng sarili kong bangko or pretend to be a little perfect goody shoes. no not me. aaminin ko sa harap ng iba ang mga kahinaan ko ang i wont try to hide it by making others feel bad about theirselves. i am the type of person who will lower myself. i lelevel ko ang sarili ko sa mas ambabang tao if that will comfort them and make them see me as an equal and not some boasting jerk. somehow i expected the people around me to show me the same kindness that i am showing them. kind of the saying. do unto others what you wants other to do unto you. pero somehow, it is never reciprocal. i've never felt anyone do the same things for me. never in my 22 years of life. never. if you were me. if you put yourself in my shoes, what would you feel? honestly?. i dont blame it on them (my family and the people who have, in one way or another, made me feel not worthy enough) that i turned out to be this hateful, insecure person who is hardly contented with anything and who always finds flaws in herself. yea that me. i dont feel beautiful. people tell me im pretty only if i complain about it or if i share my frustrations with them. i admit i have a good boyfriend. pero most times, i dont feel beautiful around him. heck! i dont think any guy will ever make me feel beautiful no matter what he says or does. ill always be this hateful person. there have been numerous times, millions of times that i felt that i am nothing. i try to make myself beautiful. i tried wearing make up. i tried losing weight. i triend changing hair colors. pero nothing works. in the end im still that ugly hag i started with. only i look more ridiculous and too "try hard". since grade school i have always been the wall paper type of girl. ung bang tipong hindi mo mapapansin. yung hindi stand out. yung ordinaryo lang. nothing special there. especially ung tipong not good enough for anything worth having. i just wished there could be a place where i could be for the first time, i could be the beautiful one. the good enough one. ung hindi ko kailangan magpapapayat, hindi ko kailangan mag make up, hindi ko kailangan amgdamit ng maganda para lang mapansin ng iba. para lang maramdaman kong kahit papano maganda rin naman ako. i just cant take people critiquing ng appearance. lalo na't given that i fully understand and that i am very very well aware na hindi naman talaga ako kagandahan. somehow i expected na there will be people around me who will see me as beautiful kahit na hindi naman ako ung typical na maganda talaga. hindi ung sexy, hindi ung maputi, hindi ung maganda ang buhok, hindi ung matangaos ang ilong and what not. its very very sad to say na walang ganung lugar para sakin. even in my own home i am not good enough. i am not pretty enough to deserve a compliment or two about how i look. and wala akong magagawa kasi ung ang iniisip ng sarili kong pamilya sakin. ung ang tingin ng mga taong "nagmamahal" sakin. kaya rin hindi ko mapigilang maging hater. im tired of being all nice and polite not telling people what are obviously wrong with them. pagod na ko na maging mabait and magalang. gusto ko maramdaman ng mga taong nasa paligid ko kung paano nila iparamdam sakin na pangit ako. na hindi ako worth it. na wala lang ako. gusto ko maramdaman nila ung sakit na binibigay nila sakin. tutal hindi rin naman totoo ung golden rule. kasi sa dinadami ng ginawa kong mabuti, kindness, respect sa iba. hindi ko naman nakikita na ginagawa sakin e. so why bother? for these, i certainly hate my self more. lalo lang ako nawalan ng compiyansa sa sarili ko. lalo lang ako naniniwala na kahit na anogn gawin ko i will never be good enough for anyone. i was born a loser and i will die a loser. there's just nothing else to it. everyone is above me. i am the lowest kind of person anyone could be. lalo na sa itsura. isa na ako sa pinakapangit sa mundo. i dont even know why i bother. hindi naman na magbabago yun eh. i will never be beautiful. not now, not ever.

flowers

i miss having flowers and chocolates and people being romantic to me. but then i again i wake up and realize that regular girls don't deserve that... certainly not me.

why do i feel such a loser?

hay ewan ko ba bakit feeling ko napaka laki kong loser. eveything i do, everything i say. from the time i wake up to the time i sleep. there are a few reasons that i can think of why i consider myself such a loser. somehow, i can't find anything good about me. i think that all the things i have, i dont really deserve. the people who love me, they deserve better. far better than me. i just don't see anything good happening to me. parang lahat nlng ng isipin kong maganda tungkol sakin laging may pangontra. laging may negative feedback. ang masama pa, may nasasaktan everytime i think of myself as like that. ayoko na sanang makasakit ng iba. tutal ako naman ung loser eh so bakit kailangan pang mangdamay ng ibang tao. kung pede lang akin nlng sana toh. na sana i can feel sorry for myself without anyone getting hurt about it. tuloy naguguilty ako kasi meron akong sinasaktan. and then i end up lying to myself just to make other feel better kahit na deep inside alam ko namang ind ako naniniwala sa mga sinasabi. i still feel like a big loser. andito nga ako sa canada pero i don't feel blessed at all. sana lang talaga sa iba nalang binigay tong oppurtunity na toh. someone who would really appreciate it and make the best out of it. ako wala. when i left parang i died na rin. i dont even know why im here. hanggang ngaun hindi ko pa rin maintindihan kung bakit kailangan ko pang pumunta dito. i was perfectly fine with my life back there. and all i wanted was a simple life. pero no, i had to be here in canada. sabi ni papa para daw samin to. oh yes para samin. and now i have to work twice as hard to make sure na makatapos ako at makakuha ako ng diploma. kaya nagtitiis ako sa nursing kahit na puro bagsak ako and i dont know if i will survive this last year. every step have been a struggle for me. na parang anytime pede akong ma kick out i hate this feeling. i hate being the last in class. im tired of being considered a below average student. i dont even know kung bakit ko ba kinuha ung nursing. nawala naman an yung passion ko for it. i'm just not happy anymore. not at all that i dread everyday i have to go to school. i hate seeing their faces. i hate looking like a stupid dumb student. but then again, pati yun im beginning to doubt na rin. talino? nawawala rin yun. siguro sa pinas uu maipagmamalaki ko pa yun. pero dito? hindi na. hindi na ako excellent. isa nalang akong pasang awang student. kaya rin nabawasan ang self confidence ko dahil yung kaisa isang asset na nakikita ko eh wala na rin pala. ano pang maipagmamalaki ko ngayon? i dont even know kung papasa pa ako ng nursing. and if i don't, i cant imagine the humiliation that i will cause. i just might die. seriously, if i dont pass, i greatly consider suicide. ayoko nang maging burden pa sa family ko and wala na rin naman akong mukhang ihaharap pa. i feel so sad kapag nakikita ko family na they are so proud of me pero sa totoo lang malapit na kong ma kickout anytime. its not that i dont want to study. talgang wala na e. i feel so disappointed with myself. and one more thing, it doesn't help that i have to go thru college alone. imagine for 3 years i've been wondering the university grounds alone. wala man lang classmate na ka close. feeling ko lahat ng tao kailngan pakibagayan. every course subject im a different person. hindi ko man lang maipakita yung totoong ako. napapanis laway ko dahil wala naman akong makausap ng matino. i've reached far measures as to taking ericson with me sa school para lang may kasama ko. how pathetic am i?like seriously? very!!!!!!!!!!!! another reason is appearances. need i say more? mula pagkabata, insecure na ko sa sarili ko. lahat ng tao far more better than me. kung baga sa pyramid, i am at the farthest bottom. im fat, im ugly, im stupid, ni wala nga akong talent na maipagmalaki e. my life is so plain and boring that i know people will feel sorry for me. sana naging maganda nlng ako at bobo. pero hindi e. bobo na ko, tanga pa and pangit pa. ang malas ko naman talaga. ang malas malas ko sobra. maswerte lang ako kasi may ericson na nagtitiis sakin kahit ganito ako. and even that, i know i dont deserve him. and he derserves far far more better than me. he deserves the best. hindi yung katulad kong loser. minsan i just wanna be gone. poof! just like that. gone. never to be seen again. i want to mope and feel sorry for myself alone. sarili ko nalng ung masaktan. sana wala nang madamay pa sa kamalasan ko. hindi ako nakukuntento and i always want more. that's because i dont have anything. im a nobody. and i'll always be like that. my life will always be this boring and dull. im only 22, pero im tired of living. i really am. i dont care what people say pero pagod na ko. i dont see anything good happening to me. i have plans pero i know hindi nmn mangyayari ung mga un e. its just nice to day dream minsan. hay lord, i wish i could have been better. sana man lang makakita ako ng something about me that i can be proud of. i dont know if ill ever learn to love myself.

alone

ilang blog entries and poems na ba ang nasulat ko tungkol sa pagiisa? ilang beses ko na ba naramdaman na magisa lang ako despite all the people surrounding me. kung noon "feeling" ko lang na mag-isa ako, well now its literally true. lately i've been feeling so alone. and when i look around me, i doesn't help that i don't see anyone else but myself. how did i get here? with a blink of an eye, in just a matter of 4 yrs, i've been completely locked out from the world. from the social world. i thought i was friendly enough. akala ko nung umalis ako papunta dito sa canada, i will be able to cope up and find new friends. but sad to say i didn't. who would have thought na ganito pala kahirap magkaroon ng true friends dito. i've always had trouble making friend. see, im not the social type of girl. befriending someone is not easy for me. i've always been shy and too quite to approach people. maybe that's why i've had the same set of friends from elementary to high school to college. that's why im so used to being in a small crowd of friends who knew each other very well. friends that i could trust my life with. siguro yun din ang dahilan kung bakit hindi ako nakukuntento sa casual friends lang. i don't consider social friends as true friends. i'd rather have friends who know me inside out than tons of people who know me superficially. is that why i'm having trouble finding "friends"? am i too picky? every "friend" that i've met here in canada did not last for long. i always find myself alone in the end. i know i have my family and my beby pero its different having girl friends. i miss having girl talks. pag naaalala ko yung mga friends ko na inabandone ko sa philippines, i can't help but feel resentful. i regret those times na hindi ko sila inappreciate. and i miss the times na i was surrounded with friends. with people who are interested in me enough to invite sa mga gimiks and include me sa mga plano. i miss feeling special again. like nothing is the same without me. na hindi kumpleto yung happening kung wala ako. my friends who would drop whatever they are doing just to listen to me cry, laugh and swear. yung kahit anong trip kong gawin andun pa rin sila para damayan ako. i know that i'm mopping again. pero what can i do? ito lang nmn ang pede kong gawin. there's not a lot of options if your pretty much alone all the time. i feel selfish everytime ericson wants to go out. pinapayagan ko siya pero deep inside i can't help but feel jealous of him. na kahit konti lang sila ng mga barkada nia, they are still there. and totoo yung friendship nila not just social friendship. i dont want to be part of his barkada or to go hang out with them. i envy him kasi meron siyang boys night. a night where he can be just a regular guy. na kapag may problema anjan sila para dumamay. i envy him kapag he has to divide his time between me and his guy friends. i envy the bond that they have with each other. sana ako rin meron nun. sana makahanap rin ako ng girl friends ko that will have the same bonding as them. gusto ko ng friend like those that i have back at home. friends na makikinig sakin, na dadamayan ako, ung hindi ako iiwan, hindi ung occasional friends lang na nakikita lang ako kung may kailngang sila sakin. its sad to say pero hanggang ngayon umaasa pa rin ako na makakahanap ang ganung klase ng friends. that's why i feel hopeful everytime i'm in a new environment. i'm still hoping to find friends every time i change jobs. but with my current job lalo lang akong naging loner. everytime may nakikita akong group of friends i feel sorry for myself. isa to sa mga reasons why i'm not satisfied with my life. kaya hindi ako makuntento kasi hindi naman kompleto. sometimes iniisip ko, is it really my need for friends that's botering me or is it my need for an audience? nakakahiya mang aminin pero minsan i just want people to watch out for me. na abangan nila ung buhay ko. na ma excite sila sa mga events ng buhay ko. i know its pathetic but that's me. effect of having low self esteem. i want a taste of the lime light once in a while. to be the center of attention. to be the most looked out for. pero seriously, i feel bad for ericson. he's not doing anything wrong. most of the time its just me envy that's causing us to fight. kasi lalabas siya tapos ako naman i'll feel left out, maiinggit ako, magtatampo ako and then before i know it away na. i feel sorry for him kasi he has me for a girlfriend. i cant control my emotions kasi masyado na akong down, feeling ko napaka loser ko and mag-isa lang ako. walang wala kasi akong self confidence. misnan naiisip ko i should break up with him kesa yung laging ganito. he will feel bad kahit na wala nmn siyang ginagawa. dahil lang sa meron siyang gf na insecure and loner, loser and jealous of his friends. kung pede lang i'd endure this alone. madalas iniisip ko mag-isa na rin lang ako then why not so it for real. drive away all the people around me. he deserves so much better than me, yung may kompisyansa sa sarili nia. hindi ung katulad kong masyadong loner. i depend on him too much. i never forget na he is all that i have. and i dont want to look despirate. im really sorry i hope kahit papano maintindihan mo why i act the way i do. its because im literally alone. kapag wala ka na, ill be alone and im trying to be strong for myself kahit na sinasaktan ko lang sarili ko in the process. i hate it na my being a big loser and loner is interferring with our relationship. i wish i could ignore my feelings. sana hindi nalang ako naapektuhan kapag naiisip kong ganito ako. na this is what i've been. sana mapaniwala ko yung sarili ko na kaya ko talagang mag-isa.

lost

after almost 4 months since my last post, i decided to visit my blog again. usually binibisita ko lang tong blog ko kapag may "dinaramdam" ako. i guess the last four months went by very well that i really didn't have any major issues that i felt i should write about. well, life is still treating me well (i hope). what more can i ask? everything seems to be in the right place. kung makikita lang ng ibang tao ung buhay ko, they would see how lucky i am. i have an almost good life. i have a family that loves me, supports me and stays with me through thick and thin. my mom and nanay still treats me like a baby sometimes. i hardly have any chores. mas maluwag na sila sa curfews ko and i feel that they trust me more now. maybe because they realized im not a child anymore (although sometimes i still act like one). i have a very promising future ahead of me. nursing is not easy mind you especially for me. but still i should consider myself lucky that i came this far. isang taon nalang ang hopefully graduate na ako. im very very blessed to have a boyfriend that loves me so much. perfect boyfriend indeed. every girl's dream guy na sakin na dba? come to think of it, i really don't have anything to complain about. oo my life is far from perfect, pero im still doing pretty good. pero even after all these, may mga times pa rin sa buhay ko na napra-praning ako and i wake up one morning not knowing how i got here. i always ask myself "what am i doing?". i just feel so lost in life. i feel like im not doing anything right. ewan ko kung ako lang ba yun or if the stress of everyday life is catching up to me. how can i be so young and feel so worthless and so fed up with life already. sometimes feeling ko im so sick and tired of living my monotonous life. walang excitement. nothing there to look forward to. everything seems so unsure. very vague. im not tired of the people around me, im very grateful that they are there for me. ang daming kong plans pero parang ang tagal ng hinihintay ko para tuparin yung mga yun. feeling ko all my life, all i did was wait and im not done waiting yet.im tired of waiting. pagod na akong maghintay ng maghintay at magtiis dahil hindi pa ako tapos. hindi ko pa hawak ung diploma ko that will free me to live life on my own. even if makuha ko yung very coveted na diploma na yun, im not sure if nursign is right for me. sometimes i feel like im wasting my time studying all these courses that i am not the least bit interested in. i've lost my motivation to study. i wanted nursing so bad in the beginning, but now im just sticking to it para lang masabing may natapos ako. para nalang sa mga magulang ko para man lang masabi nilang nakapagtapos ako. im not even sure kung matatapos nga ako. every more is a struggle. every subject, every lecture, struggle! i drag myself every single day to school hoping na sana matapos na lahat. i guess im just scared. i've wanted to be done so bad and ngayon na nahihirapan ako, i'm doubting if this is the right path for me.

future plans

para i dont lose tract of my future goals and plans, isusulat ko nalang dito isa isa. haha. or whenever may maalala ako.

25th wedding anniversary:
gusto kong bigyan ng wedding celebration sila mama at papa. hindi kasi kinasal sa simbahan sila mama kundi sa west (court) lang and i want her to at least experience what its like to wed in a church and wear a white wedding dress. i figured it is the least that i can do for them considering lahat ng ginawa nila for us. im not planning a really big, fancy celebration. just a simple wedding ceremony sa st. peters and then maybe rent a small restaurant for the reception venue and catering. malamang konti rin lang ung mga iinvite, family and close friends lang. my parents are not fond of big parties and i think it will fit my "budget" perfectly. 25 years na silang kasal sa august 2011 and i turn 24. i hope to finish nursing in 2010 and be able to work to save up for this. ito ung unang plano na gusto kong matupad after graduation. i want it to be a surprise pero hindi pa plantsado mga details since its still 2 years in the making. haha. at least i have that vision of roughly what its supposed to be like. i want my siblings and i to wear wedding attire and i want my parents to wear a tuxedo and white wedding dress. i may only have to rent the clothes for my parents. it doesn't have to be a grand dress. a simple white, formal, "fancy" dress is fine. for me and my siblings naman, we dont have to match pero at least we should have a common theme diba. ung motif i want it to be their favorite color, kaya im guessing old rose or something na ganun. a simple ceremony lang will take place (sana open ang schedule ng church) in a catholic church or if my parents prefer a christian wedding then we can invite our pastor to do the honors. sa reception naman, i want to do the decorations, it will be my first little art project. haha. there will be a projector powerpoint presentaion of pictures and memorabilias of my parents and their special moments in that 25 years of marriage. also i want their favorite songs to be playing while people are eating. xempre dapat may banner din sa may principal table (aka the couples table). hindi naman kailangan ng mga ninong ang ninang kasi they are just renewing their vows. we may also ask them to have a first dance since hindi naman nila nagawa yun nung kinasal sila. well un ung plano. i hope it goes well. ito na rin ung way ko of letting them know how we appreciate what they did for us and all the sacrifices na ginawa nila. they have gone through so much just to give us the luxuries of life. i want them to know that they have raised us well and nhow its their turn to be pampered.

hometown

i kinda miss baguio T_T. hehe. i cant explain it eh. i get this very serene, peaceful at home feeling whenever i think of baguio. i miss waking up in my bed. i miss the scenery. i miss touring the city with my friends. i miss the fog, the mist, the cold. i miss the tune of the radio blasting in my 3rd floor bedroom whenever i woke up each day.i just miss everything about that place. im not that homesick. unlike before where i start crying all of a sudden out of nowhere.i've already dealt with my being here and i know that i would not be able to go anywhere for another year and a half. but hey that's not a long time to wait considering the wide variety of opportunities awaiting me when i graduate. i guess i just want to reminisce and write it down so that i can look back some day and read all about how i felt today. whenever i think of that place, i get reminded of my old self and how far i've grown up in just 3 yrs time. physically, mentally and emotionally. all my goals and my desires are more mature now. who would have thought that a shy girl like me would end up like this. well, not everything changed. im still that silly, happy go lucky girl that i am. part of it is because ericson reminded me of who i was before and took me out of the miserable, dark and frustrating part of my life. looking back, i did get most of the things i wanted. and there are a lot more i have to work on to achieve. hay! sometimes i feel like life is such a dull and boring phase and at times like this i feel like life just passed me by, a bliss of events. i still feel that i am a bit left behind compared to my friends who are now "employees". i dont want to be left behind anymore. i know im blabbering out of proportion again thats why i know i am not really good at writing.haha. well back to baguio, i miss sitting on our outside porch. especially at night. i really really want to bring ericson there, coz i know that he will appreciate it. i just love that place. i guess everyone does have a fond memory of the place where they grew up. i didnt really grow up there but i had my most treasured memories in that house. especially now that christmas is fast approaching. i've always wanted a simple celebration of the holidays. a must have for me is a big bonfire! being a baguio girl, it has been a tradition in our city to have bonfires during festivals. it goes well with the cold weather, perfect for cozy snuggling with a loved one. i miss telling jokes with my close cousins and making fun of people. haha. i've always imagined me and ericson sitting in a bonfire with my cousins telling jokes, stories, open forum sessions. and it also goes with his family. i want to meet them all. haha. when i look back, i realize how petty my worries were back then. i just smile. sometimes i wish life was still that simple. no big worries about money, love, people, work, and my future. i felt like everything was planned out and nothing was gonna go wrong. that's why i had a hard time when we moved here and then everything changed, from the people i met, to the plans that i have for myself and my family. haha. its nice to look back once in a while, i never want to forget those memories they are a big part of who i am.

doing well update

hey im still here blabbering again. hello hello! im back. stronger, more confident, mas masaya. my past is behind me and im here to talk about the new man in my life. everyone was right, time does heal wounds. pero sakin, i cant deny that love healed me too. ericson healed me. we're 10 mo going steady. after 7 mo of rough patches, it was all worth it. he really is the man i thought him to be. and he is the man that i have prayed for. its one of the rare moments where i make the right decision. my beby, my soul, my tropa, my shopping partner, my kakulitan, my ka-foodtrip, my ka-"owe" (wink), my bestfriend, my stylist, my personal trainer, my driver, my yaya, my failthful listener, my protector, my fashion consultant, my everything... he is my everything. when i look back at all the pain and misery that i went through, i cant help but be truly truly thankful for having this man in my life. i cant thank him enough for what he's done for me and what he's still doing for me. when i was still in high school, lagi akong naiingit sa mga classmates ko may gf-bf kasi they always looked so happy and so sweet. but most of it were puppy love. young love. mediocre love. in my case now, i'd say its the same thing. andun ung kilig factor and ung sweet PDA and corny moments. pero the BIG difference is, i know deep in my heart that this is true. no pretentions. mahal nia ako and mahal ko xa. walang biro. walang stir. walang phases lang. walang trip lang. walang gamitan lang. wala kaming dapat patunyan sa mga tao and wala kaming kakompetensya. lahat kusa. walang obligado or napipilitan. and i have a feeling that we are gonna be here a long time. ang sarap ng feeling na everyday gigising ako and i know that sa bilyon bilyong tao sa buong mundo, may isang tao na devoted sakin. hindi ako sasaktan. hindi ako idi-disappoint, and hindi hindi ako iiwan. ung makikipagpatayan para sakin regardless or tama or mali ako. it feels so good to be appreciated for simply who i am. including all my assets and flaws. i dont need to change my personality just to suit what he wants me to be. ind ko kailangang magalala that some other girl might woo him away. im not perfect pero for him, im the one. ang sarap ng feeling to be able to share that kind of love with someone. im glad i have it with ericson dulman. with him, i can just be myself. wala akong kailangang baguhin. i can be a kid, a bitch , a lunatic, an old lady, a nagger and all that shit and i know he will still look at me the same. i can honestly say that life with him is way better. im in good terms with my parents and myself, i feel less stressed, and i dont feel alone. i am well appreciated and well loved. i'd have to admit nagiging dependent ako sa kanya for everything. so this is how it feels to have someone truly care for you. our relationship is certainly not perfect. we still have our ups and downs. we still fight and argue over the smallest things, haha. pero the thing is `breaking up`is never really an option. neither of us wants to let go. gaya nga ng sabi nia, its not worth breaking up over. kaya im more assured na hindi nia ako iiwan whenever we disagree. i admit indi ko pa totally naprepredict ung mga kilos nia at times and i end up hurt pero alam ko na i also hurt him more. sometimes the subject of the `past`still comes up but we`re both more anchored now to talk about it and not get carried away by raging emotions. we finally left it behind us. life with ericson is different kasi ako ung baby and surprisingly sa isang katulad ko ( na abot langit ang pride) i am more than willing to let him lead me. i trust him that much to entrust the whole relationship decision making to him. we`d both voice out our opinions but i let him say the final word. when i look at him, i dont only see my bf, but a lifetime partner (hopefully!). xempre hindi lang naman dahil sa knya ung pagbabago ko. also, it is about me. i can safely say that i have a different mindset now. he always tells me na my past really changed me, good and bad. i guess it did. pero in my perspective, i have more good changes that bad after effects. i am more conscious with my relationship now. i dont want to repeat all the stupid things i did that lead to my downfall. especially not with this relationship. its hard to find a good man now a days. i just got lucky. naaappreciate ko lahat ng mga comments ng friends ko about my new image. kahit naman hindi ko sabihin, they can see na im happy and more at ease. its been so long since i last heard a good complement about me, about how i look and about the relationship im in. im glad he gets to hang out with my friends and they like him as is. i am more routed to the ground now. and i don't build my life around ericson. i dont want to. i want to build my life with him. not for him. ayoko na ako nalang ung nasusunod and when my plans do the way it should be, ako lang naman ang naaapektuhan. i've had a lot of firsts with him. and im glad na its with a man that truly loves me. i just wish us more happiness as we move along. and well, im giving it all up to god. as a christian, i figured i was not really living the christian life before. kaya now i want to do it the right way. i lift everything to god, kasi he can do more that we can to keep this relationship strong and blessed. i gotta get back to studying!

after effect (circa 090908)

its been a month and i'm still here. i'm still surviving. honestly, im scared. i still don't trust myself. alam ko na iba na ung perspective ko ngayon. iba na ung goals ko. its not about him anymore. pero still natatakot ako na magkaharap kami. lalo pa ngayon na tinatawagan nia na ako. everyone was right. jes, beb, ericson. they all anticipated what he was gonna do in the next couple of days and he did do them. hindi na ako nasasaktan ng sobra gaya ng dati.i don't long for him that much anymore. he's starting to be just an ordinary guy in my life. hindi ko pa rin masasabi na im 100% okei pero at least may progress kahit papano. i've learned to appreciate myself more. alam ko these past few days i've done some pretty drastic things that i would never have done before.somehow i feel like i'm losing who i've become in the last 2 years. slowly napapalitan ung ways ko as a gf, and simply as me. its scary and liberating at the same time. looking back to who i was before when i was with him and who i am now with ericson, there has definitely been some changes. the pain and hell that i went through pushed me to work harder and to appreciate myself better. it gave me the motivation to start things that i've been meaning to do. pero still its scary kasi it might push me too far. although i like this new me, still there are things that i miss doing.

i guess what im trying to say is that im fine, im okay, i've started to accept things the way they are. i've learned to accept defeat and natanggap ko na rin na wala na yung dating minahal ko. i've learned to cope up with ericson. masaya naman na ako with how things are right now. its definitely different with him. pero im still not ready to be friends with my ex. hindi ko rin alam kung magiging ready pa ako ever. kung dati gustong gusto kong makipagbalikan well now im thinking twice bago ko isipin yun. i can't deny na i still like him. and i think its better na ganito nalang kami, liking each other pero not really getting back together. alam ko hirap din xa